Questions, more questions, and the answer that I wasn't expecting

Ok so consistent posts isn't exactly my thing. My apologies. If it makes up for anything I have had a bit of an excuse. 

Before I go on, this is in no way meant to be a complaining post. I know people seem to think blogs and social networks is the place to go to complain and to express all your worries, but that isn't what I am trying to do. It's more of…well a million things are happening and as a result a million thoughts are happening and I am finally figuring things out. So, no, I am not trying to get sympathy. I just want to testify of what I have been coming to realize and so discussion of recent trials is going to have to happen.

Alright, so when I came to school, I had developed some health problems that I didn't think needed medical attention until a month in. This is because the problems were and are getting worse and beginning to seriously affect my life. I mean what is the point in paying to live in the most social apartment complex, when you can't have a social life due to pain and nausea.

Anyway, I was also experiencing car problems that sometimes left me stranded in places for a while. Like on top of a busy hill, leaving a sold out concert with people who don't know how to drive, after getting pulled over for a dinky light. An hour away from home. At night. Or in Salt Lake when I was supposed to be driving my friend to the MTC. Ya know, stressful situations. 

And I'm not even touching the roommate problems and frustrations.

The point is that my life has been crumbling before my eyes. And if there is one thing I have a testimony of (ok it's not the only thing, but I know this pretty darn well), it is to turn to Christ in trials. He knows where you have been and even though things won't be magically fixed, you will have peace and blessings to help you get through your trials and learn what you need to learn. THIS IS ALL TRUE. 

However, I apparently need to learn something new this time around. Because every time I prayed for peace, charity, assistance, strength and answers, my life crumbled more. NOTHING seemed to go right. The only thing that isn't falling to pieces is school. And then I started having some problems there. 

Finally, when I was stranded after trying to serve a dear friend, I had a break down. I didn't start questioning why was this happening to me. I have definitely learned that lesson. I didn't question where was God. Another well learned lesson. I didn't question if God loved me. I know that he does without a doubt. I just wanted to know why one thing couldn't go right. 

During this time I was texting my mom. She is one of my few friends left that isn't distracted by getting married or on missions and I can't text them. This is the conversation that we had:

Ok so I will admit, I was super whiny right here. But really, nothing was going right. And after this point things continued to get worse. The doctor's office I went to gave me really bad care and meds that only made my problems worse. I went through the run around with doctors and receptionists, false information and major stress trying to sort things out. 

I prayed for help during this entire time, and all I was getting was more questions. No answers. No answers with the health problems. More seclusion. Much more pain. 

With it came more commitment and exertion to do what I was supposed to be doing. I'll be honest, my reading of the scriptures and church materials have slacked. I am really bad at the whole time management thing. So I tried to be better about reading more than just the night before D&C class. 

But then things started to become more clear. Trials still came but my lesson was starting to be learned. I got a letter from a close friend on a mission. Missionary letters always come right when you need them. Always. This is why you should right them. 

Anyway I had told my friend I was struggling with things, but hadn't gone into much detail. She asked what was going on and what she could do to help. But she didn't know that the end of the letter was the help that I really needed. She said to always look at your blessings, and to recognize God's hand in your life. 

Did I implement this in my life right away? No. Most times I have to learn the hard way. A couple of weeks later the PA that I was seeing from my doctors office decided to just try putting me on a pain pill to see if my body will just heal itself. On my way to go pick up the medication I got slightly distracted in traffic and, well, didn't see the car in front of me stopping until it was a tad late. I barely rear ended him. But there wasn't any visible damage. This is the miracle though. When we got out of the car, I told the guy I hit that it was his choice of what to do. He looked at his car and said, it didn't do anything, got in his car and drove away. That was a major relief. OHH AND I got a job that day too. This was turning out to be one of my first good days in a long time.

Then later that night, the new pain pill did some really weird things to me. Really weird. My mom, the wise woman she is, recommended getting a priesthood blessing. She had been telling me this for weeks, and finally I listened. I was going to just schedule a time with my bishop for a blessing. But then things got bad and I just walked out of my room, looked at my roommate's fiancé and asked him for a blessing. And even though we kind of struggle with each other, he right away said yes and got a chair. The blessing was another miracle in my life that day. While it was a blessing of healing, he didn't say anything about me getting better. Rather he said exactly what I needed to hear. He told me that Heavenly Father is aware of me and that he knows I am doing my best to be righteous. Then he gave me the advice I needed to hear to make me spiritually strong. 

Ok, maybe what I wanted to hear was, you're going to get answers and get better. But that isn't what I needed to hear. I was told how to best get through this difficult time in my life. It calmed me down and allowed me to get a little bit of sleep, I was going to need it for the next day and its struggles. 

The moral of this story is, no matter how much you may think that God has abandoned you and has forgotten you, He is always there every step of the way. He knows what you need and gives you exactly that, when you live righteously and do those things that qualify you for His blessings. He knows you. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows what you need in every moment. He is waiting to pour out His blessings and give you what you need. Be patient, trust in His timing. Sometimes it takes a lot of things going wrong, for you to finally realize all that is actually going right. Life isn't meant to be a bed of roses. If it were, we wouldn't grow, learn and become the people that we were intended to be. 

Yes my life has been hard lately. And sometimes it really sucks. But as soon as I think that, that is when I know I am doing something wrong. I am becoming better when it is hard. I am learning. And I know things aren't going to get all better really fast. To be honest, I am expecting them to get worse. But that is because I am still learning. I have things that I need to gain from these experiences. It is just time for me to suck it up, dig in, do what I can and endure. 

"I myself will...be in their midst"

So the great thing about my school is that we have religion classes that we attend. Yes they are required but they are always my favorite by far. And let's be real, I will be going far beyond the requirements. Despite the fact I already have too many credits. They're just so good!

This semester is the Doctrine and Covenants. I have always had a hard time reading this book of scripture, but that's because I didn't really read it. More of I let my eyes travel over the words and pick up a hint or two of what the message was. This time through though...fantastic. That is the only way that I can describe it. Fantastic. How lucky are we to have a book a scripture for our time, from our time. That comes directly from the mouth of the Lord himself. I just can't get over it.

So today I was reading sections 30-34. Wonderful passages. So much good things there. But right now I want to focus on one section. One verse. And actually, one phrase. D&C 32:3

"I myself will go with them and be in their midst; and I am their advocate with the Father, and nothing shall prevail against them."

Ok I accidentally lied. Two phrases. But what is one without the other? Putting that aside, why do I think this is so wonderful? Well, let's put it this way:

Have you ever felt loneliness? Not I am the only one in the room loneliness. Like deep, lasting I am the only person on this planet who is with me, and I don't even want to be with myself. I am my only friend and invisible to everyone else on the planet. Never felt that way? Man are you lucky and make sure to keep it that way. But I am pretty sure I can say the vast majority of people have felt that way. I have felt it several times in my life. In fact I was dangerously close to feeling it again recently. 

But here is the deal. We are not alone. I talk a lot about each of us has our own divine purpose for existing. There is a work that only YOU can do, the way YOU do it. But just because we each have our own unique purpose, doesn't mean we do it alone. "I myself will go with them." Christ walks with us. We are never alone, unless we turn from Him (but I'll talk about that in a minute).

We are asked to do hard things in our lives. But that doesn't mean that I have to be strong enough to carry that load by myself. Christ has carried that load for us. In Gethsemane, during his Atonement. He will walk with us. But we have to turn to Him. We can walk alone, but trust me, you don't make it far. This life can be very difficult. That is why Christ suffered for us. So that we don't have to bear it alone. He knows exactly how much of the load to carry so that we get stronger and make it through our afflictions and struggles. 

Walk with the Savior. It makes all of the difference. I can testify of this because I have both walked with Him and away from Him. Trust me, the latter sucks. And you don't have to do it. He is there. He wants us to come to Him. If you feel Him far away, it isn't Him that walked away. "I myself will go with them and be in their midst." He is in your midst. Do the work that it takes to get to Him. It may seem like hard work. But what easy thing is worth having? 

The Butterfly Circus

So last night was an interesting and wonderful experience. Something that our church emphasizes is getting together with your family once a week to have an activity in which the members uplift each other and learn more about this wonderful gospel. It's called family home evening. Typically, it happens on Mondays, but they can be any day of the week. Well when you're at school and single, you don't exactly have a family to do this with. Not to make us feel left out, the ward assigns FHE groups. We have assigned girl and guy leaders, loving called the FHE dad and mom. 

Last night was Monday, meaning it was FHE night. We got to go to the home of one of our ward leaders and have a lesson there. With a little bit of a mixup, a lesson wasn't planned, so it fell to our FHE dad to come up with a lesson on the spot. By one of the best on the spot lessons I have ever had...or even one of the best lessons I have ever had.

He talked about a message by President Uchtdorf, called Saints for All Seasons. It is a wonderful talk about how we have different seasons of our lives. Jarrett brought up the point that we don't want to have a constant season of all happiness and spiritualness. There is very little growth during that time. It is during the difficult seasons that we do the most growth. 

He also talked about a principle, using Michael Phelps as an example. How much work does Michael Phelps put into swimming? He has taken very little days off, working hard to become the best. But he wasn't always at that point. He went through different levels of learning how to swim. First he had to master floating without drowning. Then he had to begin learning the aspects of a certain stroke. All the way up to now working hours a day to only become half of a second faster in his next race. He is now to the point where he has to constantly work at the little things to be the best.

The same is with our spiritual ability. We have to learn how to first feel the Holy Spirit and to recognize it. Then to know it's promptings. To act upon the promptings. All the way up to knowing the scriptures, being able to bear testimony of it, and listen to the personal revelation that we can receive daily. This comes during our seasons and trials of life. We have to learn how to rely on the Lord, to use the atonement to receive strength, and listen to the Holy Ghost to know what it is that we need to do next.

After this discussion he had a wonderful thought to share with us a powerful movie, called

The Butterfly Circus.

He then related how the parts of the movie relate to the Atonement.

Who is the limbless man? Us

Who is the circus master? Christ

Sometimes when we are having difficulty and all we can do is cry out for help, he says to us that we can manage. Then when we exert effort, we learn how to swim. He is there helping us along to gain confidence and belief in ourselves. Then he knows when to step back and watch us turn into butterflies.

What does the butterfly represent? Well there are several answers. Jarrett's was true conversion. Once a caterpillar is a butterfly, it can't go back. When we are truly converted to the gospel, we have no desire to go back to where we were. We only want to go forward in faith.

I personally thought of freedom and happiness that comes from the gospel. We are limited when we aren't doing what the gospel asks of us. But when we have changed our ways and became faithful and true to our beliefs, that is when we are truly free and happy. Like a butterfly.