I was reflecting today on my drive home from work how vastly different my life has been this year verses the previous year. While I had accomplished life long goals last year, I had also experienced many things that I would have rather have foregone. I reflected on those experiences and how they prepared me for all of the good that was going to come this year. I had a rough relationship last year that left me traumatized, then had a couple of slimey guys wiggle their way in and out of life following. Now I am engaged to a man the loves, respects and care for me. My final semesters in school were extremely tough, but now I have a job that I love and enjoy. I enjoy spartan races. What I accomplished last year seems so little compared to what I accomplished this year. Through the reflection on this, I wondered, but why did those painful things have to happen, when I could have just gotten the good things?
A couple of days before this, I was listening to a podcast at the gym. The guest of the podcast talked about the traumatic experiences that she had being a member of a highly conservative church. While she did have some difficult trauma related to her church experiences, I was bothered by something that she said. She talked about how she was taught that God punishes us so that we can learn and become better. And this teaching led to a lot of harmful thinking for her down the road. At the time that I heard this discussion, I was bothered by it, but was focused on my workout so I put it aside to think about it at a different time. Then I began to reflect on my recent experiences and they didn’t seem to fit this woman’s statement.
I have heard people find flaws in the thinking “everything happens for a reason” or “there is a purpose to everything”. And it isn’t that their logic is wrong. I think we are just thinking about difficult, sometimes traumatic experiences, in the wrong way.
Example: I was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend. Repeatedly. He had made a long series choices that had changed his behavior and I did not know how to say no. Did God want me to have those experiences? Did he specifically design this trauma so that I could become better? Today’s epiphany: absolutely not. The man I dated was choosing between me and another girl to date at the time we got together. What did I do to deserve that punishment over her? Today’s epiphany: it was not my punishment.
Here’s the deal. 2 Nephi 2:27 states:
Wherefore, men are afree according to the bflesh; and call things are dgiven them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to echoose fliberty and eternal glife, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be hmiserable like unto himself.
The purpose of coming to earth was to gain a body and have the opportunity to learn, develop and become masters of this amazing gift that we have. Included in that is the opportunity to choose. Choose liberty or to choose captivity. Moses 4:3 states:
Wherefore, because that aSatan brebelled against me, and sought to destroy the cagency of man, which I, the Lord God, had given him, and also, that I should give unto him mine own power; by the power of mine Only Begotten, I caused that he should be dcast down;
Having the opportunity to choose (or have agency) is a big deal. A really big deal. Like a whole spiritual war, kicking important people out of pre earth existence without bodies kind of big deal. So now that we are here, would God take our agency away? Not a chance.
My experience with my ex boyfriend was not punishment. It was not a designed scenario to teach me a lesson because I am not holy enough. It was an opportunity to for him to choose. Choose to respect himself and me or to choose to succumb to the captivity of his previous choices. He was given the opportunity to choose and he just did not make a great choice.
When I made this realization, I thought about all of the other trials that I had experienced in my life up to this point. They can be traced back to three reasons: my choices, someone else’s choices, or just apparent bad luck.
Why did I get dumped by my first boyfriend that I thought I was going to marry? Because he had a choice and he didn’t choose me. It also wasn’t the right relationship, but that’s just a side note. Why did I have a hard time in middle school? Because I made a ton of bad choices or someone else did. And those happened because we are human and are prone to mistakes. Mistakes are good. Mistakes are how we learn. Some lessons are just more painful than others. Why do I have a lot of health issues with no real answers? Well that’s no one’s choice, that is just how genetics work. But that is a whole other discussion.
So back to why I did I get the bad relationship and not the other girl? For the longest time, I believed that it was because I had previous experiences that gave me the tools to handle it where she might not have. And there may be some truth to that. But is comes to choices again. He was given a choice, and he chose me. And that ability to choose will not get taken away from him.
I will say though, that although I am not necessarily grateful for that experience, I was still able to learn. I was able to use that experience to help me sharpen what I was looking for in a relationship. It helped me to know what physical boundaries I wanted in a relationship and how to stick to them. So good things came from it, even if that was not how I wanted to learn those things.
So why do we have to choose between hard things and not just get what we want? Why does it feel like God is punishing us, even if it isn’t our fault? And why do we have to learn?
For work I am a pediatric occupational therapist. I help kids be able to function through life in happy and healthy ways. But a lot of times, there are a lot of emotional growing pains involved. I have a lot of kids that I work with that are termed “behavior kids”. We see them because they have meltdowns, can’t follow directions, and/or won’t pay attention. Think terrible twos but coming from six year olds. Or ten year olds. Or teenagers. A lot of what I do is give kids the opportunity to choose, with “rewards” and “punishments” involved. Example: I ask them to color a picture. They do the picture, we move on and they can choose what we do next (reward). They throw a fit, it takes us the entire hour to color a picture with lots of “weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth” without getting to do what they want to (punishment). Why do I do it? Because when they go to school and have to color a picture, they won’t destroy a whole classroom. Or so that they can be independent in their lives without falling apart any time they have to do something they don’t want to. In the grand scheme of things, being able to color a picture is not that important. Being able to get a responsibility done at the first asking, is super important.
We came to earth to get a body. A body with natural flaws. Imperfections. We are hear to experience the body, learn about what it needs, and to learn how to control it. We cannot learn that control without having tough choices. And there are times we make mistakes. That is okay. We are here to make those mistakes, learn, and to get better. If you feel like you are in a mistake cycle, you are not alone. I think to myself at least 25 times a day, “well there was a better way to do that.” But that’s good. That means I know the better choice the next time the opportunity comes. Or I know to ask for help. In whatever way that may come.
Another aspect of my job is that I work with a lot of kids that experienced some serious childhood trauma. I love working with these kids. Often times, they are my favorite kids on my schedule. But they have experienced some truly awful things. They’re just kids! Why did they have to experience that? This is not because of punishment.
God does not sit and watch us thinking, “How can I make the world even more crazy today?” Or “what punishment can I really throw at Beth today?” I hear a lot of people accuse God of being a giant ego in the sky demanding attention and perfect worship or certain punishment and pain. This cannot be true.
Isaiah 49: 14-16 states:
But Zion said, The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me. Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.
Today I watched a child scream in pain because she fell down and hit her head. I don’t know this kid and it pained me to hear it. I have held many crying children in my arms from pain and it broke my heart to hear it each time. I hear lots of awful stories of trauma children have experienced. And I want so desperately to take that pain away from them. And they are not even my kid. Can would God that built this world, create you, design your body, call himself Father, just to give you pain? Or rather would that pain also cause him pain? Because you are his child and he does not want to see his child in pain? Would it not move him so deeply, that he would do anything to take that pain away from you? Anything? Including giving up his Only Begotten Son?
One of my favorite passages of scripture is Isaiah 53. Verses 4 and 5 say:
Surely he hath aborne our bgriefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was awounded for our btransgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his cstripes we are dhealed.
Alma 7:11-12 also adds:
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and aafflictions and btemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him adeath, that he may bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to csuccor his people according to their infirmities.
God knew that giving us agency and the opportunity to choose for ourselves would cause pain. Pain towards ourselves and towards other people. We would be unable to choose perfectly because we are learning how to make our spirit and flesh be one. But rather than take this wonderful gift away from us, he gave us another gift. He gave us the gift of His Son. He sent his Son so that we will not have to suffer alone. So that we can be healed from the pains that come from being imperfect beings in an imperfect world. Choice was so important that He sent a Redeemer to save us from our mistakes.
I wish I knew exactly why each of us had to experience each little trauma the way that we had to. And maybe that day will come. I wish I understood this all perfectly. But I don’t. But I do know that I have felt the power of redemption and forgiveness for my mistakes. And I have felt the power of healing and succor for the pain that other’s mistakes has caused me. When I experience the consequences of other peoples mistakes, the choice then comes to me. Will I choose to learn and conquer or choose defeat? May we always choose to learn and to become better so that we can inherit what Heavenly Father has in store for us. The pain may not last forever, but will be worth it. And even that pain can be removed and left with only the knowledge and improvement.
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