As 2016 has passed and 2017 has been making its grand entry, I have been reflecting on the real reason we should seek for improvement and setting new goals.
I just finished up a particularly difficult semester. I signed up for all of my elective credits at once and it resulted in a heavy course load. It left me feeling overwhelmed and on the brink of failure.
I became unsure if I was going to be enough. If I was going to be able to finish what I started.
Many people struggle with what is called destination happiness. They feel they will be happy when they reach a certain milestone or have a certain experience. For me, that isn't exactly something that I struggle with. Give me a playlist of punk music from the 90s and a dart gun, I will be happy. What I struggle with is feeling like I will only be enough when I reach a certain milestone or have a certain experience.
In high school, it was:
I'll be enough when I make it to state championships.
I'll be enough when I get accepted to BYU.
I'll be enough when I graduate from high school.
After I achieved those things, it became:
I will be enough when I get married and start a family.
I will be enough when I make it into OT school.
I will be enough when I graduate from BYU.
I crossed those last two items off of the list and have since added, I will be enough when I graduate from OT school.
As I started looking at this pattern, I thought, "Beth. This is a stupid way to think."
I had to be enough for the BYU admissions committee in order to make it into BYU.
I was enough for my teachers in high school and at BYU because I was able to pass those classes and graduate.
I had to be enough for my current professors, because they accepted me into their program. I am still enough for them because I have passed each semester so far.
In order for me to get married, I will have to be enough for some man to love me enough to want to spend eternity for me.
So why am I thinking this way?
I realized that this pattern of thought is not something that I always had in my life. Just at certain points. So I decided to compare what was happening in my life when I felt enough and when I didn't feel enough.
When I felt like I was enough, I was consistently reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and attending the temple. When I was doing those things, I was doing all the behaviors that I felt I needed to do in order to be worthy.
When I don't feel like I am enough, I am not consistent in reading my scriptures, praying, and temple attendance. My behavior becomes lax and I am not doing all I can to be worthy.
Why does this matter?
One of my favorite scriptures of all time comes from Isaiah. The one passage from his words that I am like, "I totally get this."
Chapter 53 states:
3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 ¶Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth.
8 He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation? for he was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was he stricken.
9 And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no violence, neither was any deceit in his mouth.
10 ¶Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
11 He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities.
I am enough, because he bore my sorrows. I am enough because he was wounded for my transgressions. I am enough because he was bruised for my iniquities. The chastisement of my peace is upon him, and I am healed with his stripes. Because I am enough.
You are enough because he has suffered for your sorrows. You were enough of a reason for him to be oppressed and afflicted, and yet open not his mouth. You are enough of a reason for the Lord to lay on him the iniquity of us all.
As we stand today, we are enough.
So why do we need to improve?
He suffered all of these incredible things for us. But will you still esteem him not? Will we continue to hide or faces from him? Will we continue to turn to our own way, instead of towards his healing power?
Our iniquities and transgressions have been suffered for. So that we can have the ability to improve from them. Learn from our mistakes, and become better. We can repent, change, and not suffer alone. He has done so much for us. So should we not take these opportunities to become the people he knows we can be? To reach the potential that he sees.
We don't improve because we aren't enough. We improve because we were enough to be suffered for. We are enough for the Savior to suffer so that he understand the sins, weaknesses, pains, and trials that we have faced. So that He can help us overcome them.
We have not been given a free pass to do whatever we want in this life. We have been given a chance to make our own choices, learn from them, and to become better. And we don't have to do it alone. That is the beauty of the Atonement. No matter how alone that we may feel in this life, we are not. There is one that has felt what we have felt and has knows what each of us is passing through.
You were enough to do all of that. So now it is our turn to tell the Savior that what he has done is enough for us, by relying on his power and strength to repent and improve. Not just at the beginning of the year, but each and every day of the year.
