Questions, more questions, and the answer that I wasn't expecting

Ok so consistent posts isn't exactly my thing. My apologies. If it makes up for anything I have had a bit of an excuse. 

Before I go on, this is in no way meant to be a complaining post. I know people seem to think blogs and social networks is the place to go to complain and to express all your worries, but that isn't what I am trying to do. It's more of…well a million things are happening and as a result a million thoughts are happening and I am finally figuring things out. So, no, I am not trying to get sympathy. I just want to testify of what I have been coming to realize and so discussion of recent trials is going to have to happen.

Alright, so when I came to school, I had developed some health problems that I didn't think needed medical attention until a month in. This is because the problems were and are getting worse and beginning to seriously affect my life. I mean what is the point in paying to live in the most social apartment complex, when you can't have a social life due to pain and nausea.

Anyway, I was also experiencing car problems that sometimes left me stranded in places for a while. Like on top of a busy hill, leaving a sold out concert with people who don't know how to drive, after getting pulled over for a dinky light. An hour away from home. At night. Or in Salt Lake when I was supposed to be driving my friend to the MTC. Ya know, stressful situations. 

And I'm not even touching the roommate problems and frustrations.

The point is that my life has been crumbling before my eyes. And if there is one thing I have a testimony of (ok it's not the only thing, but I know this pretty darn well), it is to turn to Christ in trials. He knows where you have been and even though things won't be magically fixed, you will have peace and blessings to help you get through your trials and learn what you need to learn. THIS IS ALL TRUE. 

However, I apparently need to learn something new this time around. Because every time I prayed for peace, charity, assistance, strength and answers, my life crumbled more. NOTHING seemed to go right. The only thing that isn't falling to pieces is school. And then I started having some problems there. 

Finally, when I was stranded after trying to serve a dear friend, I had a break down. I didn't start questioning why was this happening to me. I have definitely learned that lesson. I didn't question where was God. Another well learned lesson. I didn't question if God loved me. I know that he does without a doubt. I just wanted to know why one thing couldn't go right. 

During this time I was texting my mom. She is one of my few friends left that isn't distracted by getting married or on missions and I can't text them. This is the conversation that we had:

Ok so I will admit, I was super whiny right here. But really, nothing was going right. And after this point things continued to get worse. The doctor's office I went to gave me really bad care and meds that only made my problems worse. I went through the run around with doctors and receptionists, false information and major stress trying to sort things out. 

I prayed for help during this entire time, and all I was getting was more questions. No answers. No answers with the health problems. More seclusion. Much more pain. 

With it came more commitment and exertion to do what I was supposed to be doing. I'll be honest, my reading of the scriptures and church materials have slacked. I am really bad at the whole time management thing. So I tried to be better about reading more than just the night before D&C class. 

But then things started to become more clear. Trials still came but my lesson was starting to be learned. I got a letter from a close friend on a mission. Missionary letters always come right when you need them. Always. This is why you should right them. 

Anyway I had told my friend I was struggling with things, but hadn't gone into much detail. She asked what was going on and what she could do to help. But she didn't know that the end of the letter was the help that I really needed. She said to always look at your blessings, and to recognize God's hand in your life. 

Did I implement this in my life right away? No. Most times I have to learn the hard way. A couple of weeks later the PA that I was seeing from my doctors office decided to just try putting me on a pain pill to see if my body will just heal itself. On my way to go pick up the medication I got slightly distracted in traffic and, well, didn't see the car in front of me stopping until it was a tad late. I barely rear ended him. But there wasn't any visible damage. This is the miracle though. When we got out of the car, I told the guy I hit that it was his choice of what to do. He looked at his car and said, it didn't do anything, got in his car and drove away. That was a major relief. OHH AND I got a job that day too. This was turning out to be one of my first good days in a long time.

Then later that night, the new pain pill did some really weird things to me. Really weird. My mom, the wise woman she is, recommended getting a priesthood blessing. She had been telling me this for weeks, and finally I listened. I was going to just schedule a time with my bishop for a blessing. But then things got bad and I just walked out of my room, looked at my roommate's fiancé and asked him for a blessing. And even though we kind of struggle with each other, he right away said yes and got a chair. The blessing was another miracle in my life that day. While it was a blessing of healing, he didn't say anything about me getting better. Rather he said exactly what I needed to hear. He told me that Heavenly Father is aware of me and that he knows I am doing my best to be righteous. Then he gave me the advice I needed to hear to make me spiritually strong. 

Ok, maybe what I wanted to hear was, you're going to get answers and get better. But that isn't what I needed to hear. I was told how to best get through this difficult time in my life. It calmed me down and allowed me to get a little bit of sleep, I was going to need it for the next day and its struggles. 

The moral of this story is, no matter how much you may think that God has abandoned you and has forgotten you, He is always there every step of the way. He knows what you need and gives you exactly that, when you live righteously and do those things that qualify you for His blessings. He knows you. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows what you need in every moment. He is waiting to pour out His blessings and give you what you need. Be patient, trust in His timing. Sometimes it takes a lot of things going wrong, for you to finally realize all that is actually going right. Life isn't meant to be a bed of roses. If it were, we wouldn't grow, learn and become the people that we were intended to be. 

Yes my life has been hard lately. And sometimes it really sucks. But as soon as I think that, that is when I know I am doing something wrong. I am becoming better when it is hard. I am learning. And I know things aren't going to get all better really fast. To be honest, I am expecting them to get worse. But that is because I am still learning. I have things that I need to gain from these experiences. It is just time for me to suck it up, dig in, do what I can and endure. 

"I myself will...be in their midst"

So the great thing about my school is that we have religion classes that we attend. Yes they are required but they are always my favorite by far. And let's be real, I will be going far beyond the requirements. Despite the fact I already have too many credits. They're just so good!

This semester is the Doctrine and Covenants. I have always had a hard time reading this book of scripture, but that's because I didn't really read it. More of I let my eyes travel over the words and pick up a hint or two of what the message was. This time through though...fantastic. That is the only way that I can describe it. Fantastic. How lucky are we to have a book a scripture for our time, from our time. That comes directly from the mouth of the Lord himself. I just can't get over it.

So today I was reading sections 30-34. Wonderful passages. So much good things there. But right now I want to focus on one section. One verse. And actually, one phrase. D&C 32:3

"I myself will go with them and be in their midst; and I am their advocate with the Father, and nothing shall prevail against them."

Ok I accidentally lied. Two phrases. But what is one without the other? Putting that aside, why do I think this is so wonderful? Well, let's put it this way:

Have you ever felt loneliness? Not I am the only one in the room loneliness. Like deep, lasting I am the only person on this planet who is with me, and I don't even want to be with myself. I am my only friend and invisible to everyone else on the planet. Never felt that way? Man are you lucky and make sure to keep it that way. But I am pretty sure I can say the vast majority of people have felt that way. I have felt it several times in my life. In fact I was dangerously close to feeling it again recently. 

But here is the deal. We are not alone. I talk a lot about each of us has our own divine purpose for existing. There is a work that only YOU can do, the way YOU do it. But just because we each have our own unique purpose, doesn't mean we do it alone. "I myself will go with them." Christ walks with us. We are never alone, unless we turn from Him (but I'll talk about that in a minute).

We are asked to do hard things in our lives. But that doesn't mean that I have to be strong enough to carry that load by myself. Christ has carried that load for us. In Gethsemane, during his Atonement. He will walk with us. But we have to turn to Him. We can walk alone, but trust me, you don't make it far. This life can be very difficult. That is why Christ suffered for us. So that we don't have to bear it alone. He knows exactly how much of the load to carry so that we get stronger and make it through our afflictions and struggles. 

Walk with the Savior. It makes all of the difference. I can testify of this because I have both walked with Him and away from Him. Trust me, the latter sucks. And you don't have to do it. He is there. He wants us to come to Him. If you feel Him far away, it isn't Him that walked away. "I myself will go with them and be in their midst." He is in your midst. Do the work that it takes to get to Him. It may seem like hard work. But what easy thing is worth having? 

The Butterfly Circus

So last night was an interesting and wonderful experience. Something that our church emphasizes is getting together with your family once a week to have an activity in which the members uplift each other and learn more about this wonderful gospel. It's called family home evening. Typically, it happens on Mondays, but they can be any day of the week. Well when you're at school and single, you don't exactly have a family to do this with. Not to make us feel left out, the ward assigns FHE groups. We have assigned girl and guy leaders, loving called the FHE dad and mom. 

Last night was Monday, meaning it was FHE night. We got to go to the home of one of our ward leaders and have a lesson there. With a little bit of a mixup, a lesson wasn't planned, so it fell to our FHE dad to come up with a lesson on the spot. By one of the best on the spot lessons I have ever had...or even one of the best lessons I have ever had.

He talked about a message by President Uchtdorf, called Saints for All Seasons. It is a wonderful talk about how we have different seasons of our lives. Jarrett brought up the point that we don't want to have a constant season of all happiness and spiritualness. There is very little growth during that time. It is during the difficult seasons that we do the most growth. 

He also talked about a principle, using Michael Phelps as an example. How much work does Michael Phelps put into swimming? He has taken very little days off, working hard to become the best. But he wasn't always at that point. He went through different levels of learning how to swim. First he had to master floating without drowning. Then he had to begin learning the aspects of a certain stroke. All the way up to now working hours a day to only become half of a second faster in his next race. He is now to the point where he has to constantly work at the little things to be the best.

The same is with our spiritual ability. We have to learn how to first feel the Holy Spirit and to recognize it. Then to know it's promptings. To act upon the promptings. All the way up to knowing the scriptures, being able to bear testimony of it, and listen to the personal revelation that we can receive daily. This comes during our seasons and trials of life. We have to learn how to rely on the Lord, to use the atonement to receive strength, and listen to the Holy Ghost to know what it is that we need to do next.

After this discussion he had a wonderful thought to share with us a powerful movie, called

The Butterfly Circus.

He then related how the parts of the movie relate to the Atonement.

Who is the limbless man? Us

Who is the circus master? Christ

Sometimes when we are having difficulty and all we can do is cry out for help, he says to us that we can manage. Then when we exert effort, we learn how to swim. He is there helping us along to gain confidence and belief in ourselves. Then he knows when to step back and watch us turn into butterflies.

What does the butterfly represent? Well there are several answers. Jarrett's was true conversion. Once a caterpillar is a butterfly, it can't go back. When we are truly converted to the gospel, we have no desire to go back to where we were. We only want to go forward in faith.

I personally thought of freedom and happiness that comes from the gospel. We are limited when we aren't doing what the gospel asks of us. But when we have changed our ways and became faithful and true to our beliefs, that is when we are truly free and happy. Like a butterfly.

It's all just so good!

Ok so this is just the second of what will likely be many posts about my Doctrine and Covenants class. BECAUSE IT IS ALL JUST SO GOOD! 

Today's reading were sections 6-9. They all discuss receiving revelation and the answers to prayers. PERFECT for me. On any day. Today though I absolutely fell in love with section 6.

This summer I worked for an awesome program called Retreat for Girls. It is a camp for girl's ages 12-15 that focuses on how to help them have faith and how to incorporate God in their lives. It is given from an LDS faith, but is for any and all girls. During my time there, I discovered verses 33-37. They helped me throughout the rough patches of being a counselor. As well to give advice to my friends on missions who were having a difficult time.

These verses are just so perfect. Don't believe me? Let me share them with you:

"Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward. Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you. Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not. Behold the wounds which pieced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen."

If this doesn't give you motivation, then read it until it does. I assure you that those words came from the Lord himself, and he knows how to encourage us to do what it is that we need to do. Fear not to do good. You will never regret it. 

So these were ones that I already knew about and the rediscovery renewed my motivation and courage that I had already received from these verses.

What I really wanted to focus on are verses 8 through 13. Again marvelous words full of glorious goodness. When I read these verses, I circled the action words that Joseph and Oliver were asked to do in order to receive the revelation that they were looking for. Again doing so I applied them to myself. The actions included:

Desire

Keep my commandments

Remember

Inquire

Exercise thy gift

Do good

Hold out faithful

Why are these things so essential to receiving answers to our questions?

Desire: You can't just expect the revelation that you need to know right then is just magically going to come. You have to desire to know the truth that you need. Have a question. It isn't just going to come without you desiring it to come. 

Keep my commandments: Revelation comes through the Holy Ghost. He can only dwell in holy temples and holy places. Meaning if you aren't worthy, his words will not come. If you are doing things you aren't supposed to, then the revelation you seek cannot come. You must live worthy of the spirit.

Remember: remember that it is the Lord that can answer your questions. Turn to him, the source of truth, rather than those that do not have the truth. As shown in this video:

Inquire: This goes back to this video as well. You have to ask. It doesn't just come

Exercise thy gift: This is the gift of the Holy Ghost. For those that are members of the LDS church, we have the Holy Spirit with us wherever we go. We have to utilize that gift. Rely on his promptings and act upon them. They can be answers to our questions. If you aren't a member, you can still receive promptings and feelings from the Holy Ghost. Pay special attention to ideas that don't seem to come from you. That can be guidance from our friend.

Do good: This is more than just keeping the ten commandments. It is seeking to help those around you. Serving others is a great way to receive answers. I know this from experience.

Hold out faithful: This is the most important and difficult piece to the revelation puzzle. Hold out faithful. Heavenly Father doesn't always answer right away. But he DOES answer. Keep the faith during that time, and you will without a doubt receive it.

Revelation is such a key to this life. I have come to love and truly rely on the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I know that it has saved me, brought me peace, answered a difficult question, stopped me from making dumb mistakes and much much more. It is such an important part of my life. If it isn't in yours, I encourage you to do these things so that you too can have it in your life. 

He Knows What's Up and Exactly What We Need

So with the beginning of the semester at BYU comes a new and interesting religion class. This semester I am taking Doctrine and Covenants, which is modern day revelation from God about the organization of His true church. Such a fantastic class. Seriously though. I have been in this class two days and I have already learned so much. 

Today I read Sections 3 and 10. These sections came in response to the lost 116 pages of the Book of Mormon. I just thought it was going to two chapters of thinking "Oh! You've been chastised!" Totally not true. I mean, yes there is chastisement in there, but it also has some fantastic things to apply. My second assumption was that I was going to really connect with section 10 because of the awesome verse 5. Which was true, but what I wasn't expecting was the tremendous words inside section 3. SO MUCH GOODNESS!!! Have I told you how much I love the scriptures? Because I do. A LOT!

D&C 3:4- "For although a man may have many revelations, and have power to do many mighty works, yet if he boasts in his own strength, and sets at naught the counsels of God, and follows after the dictates of his own will and carnal desires, he must fall and incur the vengeance of a just God upon him."

Wow. All of those hard times that I thought I made it through on my own. Yeah right! This explains how I would just dig myself a deeper hole somedays. If there is one thing that I have learned these past couple of years, it is that I can do nothing without Him. Well I can, but it really is so much better to pass through this life with Heavenly Father by my side. I feel much like Ammon in Alma 26:12 when he said, "I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God." I cannot say that I have anything to credit to my name. It is our dear Heavenly Father who made the work happen, I was just a tool in His hand.

Don't believe how great He is? See verses 7&8 of section 3, then try it. You will definitely see.

Verses 9-11 of section 3 are what struck me the most. My favorite way to apply the scriptures in the D&C is to insert my own name. So verse 9: "Behold, thou art [Beth], and thou wast chosen to do the work of the Lord..." Well this is fantastic new. I have been chosen to do the work of the Lord. We all have been chosen to do His work. We each have a unique role in which only we can do. But here is the rest of the verse that is the condition, "...but because of transgression, if thou art not aware thou wilt fall."

We are going to make mistakes. That is inevitable. I personally probably make 35 a day. On a good day. However, I do my best to always stay righteous. Do I fall now and then? Yes, but I get up as fast as possible. The point that this scripture is saying that we need to be aware of the mistakes that could disqualify us from doing the work we have been called to do. If we are sensitive to the spirit, we will feel the Holy Ghost us stopping us from making serious mistakes. Following such promptings will allow to maintain worthy to accomplish our individual missions in carrying out the work of the Lord.

What if you have disqualified yourself? See verse 10. "But, remember, God is merciful: therefore, repent of that which thou hast done which is contrary to the commandment which I gave you, and thou are still chose and art again called to the work." Repent of your mistakes. He will call us again to the work. 

It is my testimony that each of us have been given unique gifts and talents to assist us in the work that we were called to do. When we turn to Heavenly Father, together we can accomplish this work. To be an instrument in His hands is wonderful experience, something that I will always cherish. Follow the promptings of the spirit and two things will happen. We will not be lead astray and we will discover what the work is that He has in store for us. There are amazing things that each of us will do. Don't give up that opportunity for a few minutes of pleasure. 

Lessons from the Prophets

So it's been one of those weeks. And it has only added on to it being one of those years. This weekend I had a great opportunity that I expected to be the light at the end of the tunnel. And it was. Well it was actually the light in the middle of the tunnel and it was super dark before and after. As I was waiting in line for this experience, it dumped rain on me. It finished putting me into some despair. I am not sure why at the moment I felt like that. I had been protected and watched out for the whole way, but the increasing load blinded me. During this brief moment of despair I felt like I was losing everything that I had going right in my life. Again, I am not sure why, because it wasn't true. Anyway, the thought came out of nowhere that I need to study the story of Job.

Then I remembered an experience a couple of years ago during high school. I had begun reading the Book of Mormon over again. The best part about reading it, is it starts with one of my favorite characters and stories, Nephi. His story came alive so vividly to me this time around. The reason why? I felt exactly like him. No I didn't move across unknown seas. No, I definitely was not called to be a prophet or to lead my people. But I was living among some really wicked people. My high school was filled with people who had lost their way, or didn't know how to find the way. And to then add to it, I realized that I was called to be an example to my older siblings. I felt the pressure to be righteous. My Heavenly Father was teaching me the importance of how to apply the scriptures to my own life. I related to Nephi and so his words became that much more meaningful to me. 

Now here I am. 19 years old and it is my second year at BYU. And Heavenly Father is teaching me yet another important story from the scriptures. Apparently the way I learn is by having to see it myself. Some what unfortunate but I am and will forever be grateful for these lessons He is teaching me. 

So today I started my journey of learning about the story of Job, and how I can apply his story to me. I began it by reading a conference talk given by Elder Robert D. Hales entitled Examples from the Life of a Prophet. The fantastic thing about this talk is that he discusses a modern day Job. A real person that I can follow the example of so much easier. And that is President Kimball.

Elder Hales discusses the three great tests that we will likely face at some point in our lives. They are:

1. Temporal Setbacks

2. Physical Illness

3. Depression

Now I will admit, that when I read this, I felt as though I am experiencing a little bit of each of these at once. Obviously not to the extent that either Job or President Kimball felt. But in the Beth scale amount. So this talk was definitely what I needed to read today. 

Elder Hales says that the greatest lesson from these two story is that "in all this Job [or President Kimball] sinned not, nor charges God foolishly." Job 1:22 

One of my favorite ways to apply the scriptures is to insert my own name. I can only imagine how amazing it would be to be able to right in my journal, "In all this [Beth] sinned not, nor charged God foolishly." In some ways, this time around I can say this. However, I know that I still have a long way to come and that I didn't do it perfectly. How can Beth improve? I am so glad that you asked because, Elder Hales covers this as well. Using the example of President Kimball the way to go is to hold strong to your integrity and testimony and sing praises of the Lord throughout trials. We can do it. Hold on despite despair. Be grateful for the trial placed before you. Don't try to go alone, but recognize that you need Heavenly Father's help. 

Ok. I can do those things. Is there anything else? Reach for the one. Think of the needs of everyone else around you. This is the hard part for me. I can pray and ask for help no problem. I KNOW that I have no ability to make it through this life alone. And I can be grateful. I KNOW that when I receive small inspired thoughts, a stranger reach out, an unexpected visit with a friend, or a perfectly timed letter from missionary friend that they are sent from God. That they are for me and what I need. I can even hold to my testimony now. I KNOW that it isn't punishment for me to go through these trials, but rather love. Love that molds me into what I need to become. However, I have struggles with forgetting myself and serving those around me. I get so locked into wo is ME, help ME, I hurt, send ME love. I forget about how are YOU, what can be done to help THEM, here are cookies for YOU, and a prayer for YOU. On the rare occasion that I do look to help others, it helps me to forget about my problems and relieves the pain and hurt that I feel. 

Elder Hales discussed a time that he was with President Kimball and health concerns for the Prophet arose. President Kimball's response was "What I am afraid of is that I will meet the Savior and he will say 'You could have done better.'" How amazing for a prophet of God to say that. I hope and am working toward adopting that same attitude. Giving all I can to the one. Focusing on what I can offer others, rather than what others offer me. 

Another great attitude that comes from President Kimball is his talk "Give Me This Mountain". A wonderful talk to be studied and discussed another time. But it is the attitude of bring it on, I got this that I want to focus on. Rather than running and hiding from the trials that are meant to mold and shape us into the people that we want to become, embrace them and say, "You and me, Heavenly Father. We got this."

Give me this mountain, Heavenly Father. I know that with thee I can do all things. I know that the comfort thou hast given me during this time in my life has been as monumental as the trials that I am called to pass through at this time. I wish to not sin or charge thee foolishly. Give me this mountain, because I know thou will give me the walking stick and strength I need it.

Beautiful Heartbreak

Ok, I know I have been a slacker lately. But I have been on vacation with my family for a week. Sorry. 

Anyway, very recent events have gotten me to thinking about the difficulties in our lives and why challenges and trials arise. I learned a long time ago that everything has a time, place and reason for happening. And while we may have one idea, it is Heavenly Father's plan for each of us that is happens. It is up to us to align our will with His. When we do that, we have better abilities to handle the trials that are placed before us. Life doesn't get easier when we are righteous. But we have the strength to handle the hard times when we walk hand in hand with God. 

Still though. Sometimes He throws us curve balls. It isn't because he hates us, is angry with us, bored or neglecting us. In fact it is just the opposite. It is because he loves us. He sees the potential that we have to become amazing people. However, we cannot reach that potential when life is easy. The hard times helps us to learn to rely on the strength that Christ can offer us. We need to learn very important lessons that can help us to make positive changes, these come best through difficult times. It also tests our faith, helping us to increase it and strengthen our knowledge even more. Yes, it is difficult. But we can get through it, when we trust in the Lord.

It is said best in this song:

It is entitled Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks. She says it best. When we climb the mountain, we see the view that we could not see before. And when we do that we will not trade it for anything else.