This weekend I was faced with a difficult decision. My doctor wanted to do a really expensive test because every other test has come back clear.
When I had heard that yet another test claimed I was normal, I immediately got angry. I was so done with hearing nothing. I just wanted an answer.
But I couldn't do anything because I had to go meet with clients and be nice and professional.
Which is really difficult when all you want to do is cry.
So I waited until that night. Which was dumb because I had a long day of work in the morning.
But I prayed. I told Heavenly Father that I was angry with him. I had been patient and trying to use both spiritual and temporal medicine. I was improving on doing what I was supposed to. Now things were effecting my work.
I wanted an answer and I wanted it now. Well I shouldn't talk in past tense. I want an answer.
I prayed and cried until I fell asleep. Which was like 1:30 in the morning.
Like I said. Dumb. But very helpful.
The next day I had a talk with my sister to discuss what to do.
Do I ask my parent to sink more rent and tuition money into another test that will probably say everything is normal, or do I keep going and do whatever it takes to find an answer? It has been six months this has gone on. But every other test has come back normal, this one will likely be no different.
Yesterday was fast Sunday.
So of course that was what I fasted for. What to do?
The more I thought about it, the more I was like I am done with the disappointment of a test telling me that my body was lying. The more I wanted my parents money to go into schooling where it wouldn't be wasted.
I decided to call the doctor's office and ask more about the test and why they ordered it. If he had something he had an idea of what was going on and just needed a picture to confirm it, or if he wanted more fun pictures of my insides just to see if this time it was different. If it's the former, I'd go through with it. If it was the latter, I would say, uh no let's do something else. And by something else, I meant find a doctor with a different specialty that could give me help, because this one was pretty much out of ideas.
Amidst all of this, I was experiencing a lot of pain, so I didn't do a whole lot.
On bad pain days, I can only really sit in bed and watch movies or TV. I can't focus, I'm not fun to be around, and I have zero motivation. So all weekend that's all I did.
That includes being bad about scripture study. I know. I'm working on it.
So last night as I went to bed, I was like I at least need to read a little bit, even if it isn't my reading goal.
I read 1 Nephi 21.
If you aren't familiar with Nephi's writings, he likes to quote Isaiah. A lot. Which means brain confusion. A lot. Especially when you're trying to cram in reading at 12:30 at night.
But I knew that if you had a question before reading, it would be answered so I was like ok, I am going to put it to the test.
So this is what I am reading.
Verse 5: "And now, saith the Lord-that formed me from the womb that I should be his servant….yet shall I be glorious in the eyes of the Lord, and my God shall be my strength."
And I was like "Yes, yes, I have been relying on you throughout this. I know this already. Not really answering my question here."
But I kept reading.
Verse 8: "…in a day of salvation have I helped thee: and I will preserve thee, and give thee my servant for a covenant of the people…"
I was like "Ok, good to know this isn't going to kill. But seriously, answer the question."
Read some more.
"They shall feed in the ways, and their pastures shall be in all high places. They shall not hunger nor thirst, neither shall the heat nor the sun smite them; for he that hath mercy on them shall lead them, even by the springs of water shall he guide them. And I will make all my mountains a way, and my highways shall be exalted."
Me: "…you aren't telling me what I think you're telling me."
More reading.
"But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me-but he will show that he hath not. For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet I will not forget thee, O house of Israel. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."
The answer was trust me? With what?
"Lift up thine eyes round about and behold; al these gather themselves together, and they shall come to thee. And as I live, saith the Lord, thou shalt surely clothier thee with them all, as with an ornament, and bind them on even as a bride. For thy waste and thy desolate places, and the land of thy destruction, shall even now be too narrow by reason of the inhabitations; and they that swallowed thee up shall be far away."
At this point, at 12:45 in the morning, I realized what my answer was. I'm sure you're thinking, I don't get it.
Even though these words are talking about the gathering of Israel will have a power to overcome enemies, the Spirit told me something else.
I have been swallowed up with this…whatever it is. But I need to trust the Lord and he will take care of it. He hasn't left me alone and will know what to do. It will work out, so stop worrying about it. I need to focus on helping others, through school and work.
So I went to bed realizing my answer is to not do anything. Not go through with that test. Not find a different doctor. Not go find a shrink. I just need to stop. With everything having to do with this…thing.
I woke this morning going, how in the world am I supposed to do that? I can't focus on anything when I am in pain, and it has been bad and consistent lately.
Today I was catching up on reading for my Book of Mormon class and we're in the war chapters in the end of Alma. And I am in the very best part. The stripling warriors and Helaman's perspective on how awesome they are.
At the end of the story, Helaman is telling Moroni about how they don't have any supplies or reinforcements. And says this:
"But behold, it mattereth not- we trust God will deliver us, notwithstanding the weakness of our armies, yea, and deliver us out of the hands of our enemies."
And I was like boom. That is how I am going focus on school and not my stomach. Heavenly Father is going to take care of it. I just need to put in my part. Believe. Do homework. And study! Even when I don't want to.
You can do the same. We all have a weakness that is plaguing us. Trust Heavenly Father. Turn to him with all heart and effort. Put everything on him. Believe. Do everything you can. And he will take care of it. Even if it doesn't seem possible. I promise you it is. It will happen. Just needs your faith.
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